“We are one” — when love turns into self-erasure.

The idea that in a relationship “we become one” is often romanticized. But what happens when that fusion requires one person to disappear so the other can exist? In the name of harmony, one partner keeps giving in: letting go of dreams, silencing desires, adapting without feeling seen or supported. Little by little, the “we” is built at the expense of the “I” — and that’s not love, it’s erasure.

This kind of relationship isn’t balanced; it’s an unfair equation: one is added, the other is subtracted. Sometimes, the decision to have or not have children is made by just one person. Other times, someone gives up their career or personal goals to support the other’s path — and while that may seem generous, it often stems more from pressure within the relationship than from true freedom. When one person dreams for two, the other lives in silence.

Narcissism may lie at the heart of this dynamic. In some relationships, one partner needs the other to act as a mirror, constantly reflecting back an ideal image. Anything different is seen as a threat. Difference is silenced, conflict is avoided, and the other’s identity is reshaped — until it disappears.

Emotional domination doesn’t always shout. Sometimes it whispers in phrases like “it’s for our own good” or “you’re being selfish.” Control hides behind care, and what looks like love turns into manipulation. The problem is that, by the time you stop recognizing yourself, it may feel too late — and finding your way back can be frightening and difficult.

Being in a relationship should never cost you your essence. A healthy bond is formed between two whole people, who choose to walk together without either one having to shrink to fit. Love also means holding space for difference — and being held in return.

If you feel that staying in your relationship requires you to disappear, it might be time to look at that more closely. Psychotherapy offers a space for listening and rebuilding, where you can reconnect with your voice, your desires, and your story. Loving someone else should never mean losing yourself. You don’t have to vanish to be loved. You deserve to be yourself and still belong in the relationship.

Book a session